Emmett, Read This Carefully
by Little Orange Frog
Summary: Due to the trauma from which Jasper is suffering, we the siblings of Emmett Cullen hereby decree, in order to take the precautions necessary, this word is the law and is to be abided... "...sanity is overrated anyway."


**  
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing. -exasperated sigh-**

* * *

_Due to the trauma from which Jasper is suffering, we the siblings of Emmett Cullen hereby decree, in order_

_to take the precautions necessary, this word is the law and is to be abided._

"**Edward, leave it to you to make it sound stupid."**

**"Alice, shut up."**

_You may not tell Jasper that Alice left him for Mike Newton._

_You may not tell Jasper that the evil penguins took your remote control & are coming from him next._

_You may not tell your Biology teacher that Jasper is in love with him._

_You may not tie Jasper up and read him the phone book for four hours._

_You may not tie Jasper up and paint his toe nails purple with Rosalie's nail-polish._

_You may not force Jasper to listen to the Spice Girls' music over and over and over._

_You may not tell Jasper that Alice is cheating on him with a werewolf._

_You may not sign Jasper up for tap-dance lessons…_

_And then say, "Up for some Jazz, Jazzy?"_

_You may not paint the keyboard of Jasper's computer with Elmer's Glue._

_You may not sing Sarah Bareilles' _Love Song_ when Jasper won't let you hold his old rifle._

_You may not tell Jasper that "You never treat me right, so I guess its over," when he asks to borrow your jeep._

_You may not spread rumors that Jasper is a "Barbie Girl"._

_You may not spread rumors about Jasper's "condition"…he does not have a "condition__"_

** "Emmett! You told people I have a condition?!"**_  
_**  
"Yes, and they laughed."**

_You may not buy Jasper multiple Barbie Dolls and then offer to play dollies with him._

_You may not taunt Jasper about his _Minnie Mouse_ Halloween costume(s)._

_You may not taunt Jasper about his _Care Bear_ Halloween costume(s)._

_You may not pay Jasper to sing Christmas Carols in June._

_You may not force Jasper to sing Christmas Carols in June._

_You may not paint Jasper's room black._

_You may not force Jasper to play patty-cake with you._

_You may not tell everyone that Jasper is a blood sucking monster_. (even if it is true)  
_  
_** "Emmett, please give Edward the pencil back. Edward, can you please erase that last part?"**

_You may not give Jasper live animals for his birthday._

_You may not steal all of Jasper's shoes and then tell him that the neighbor's cat ate them._

_You may not force Jasper to play tea party with you._

_You may not write slash about Jasper on __ and then force him to read it._

_You may not hug random people on the street and then say Jasper told you to do so._

_You may not tell Jasper that the fan girls are coming to drag him away._

_You may not walk up to Jasper and say "Won't you be my friend?" in a creepy voice__.  
_

"**Won't you be my friend Jasper?"**

"**No! Help! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" **

"**Emmett, leave Jasper alone."**

"**Make me Edward!"**

_You may not buy Jasper a pink sweatshirt and pretend to cry when he won't wear it._

_You may not buy Jasper a t-shirt that reads: _Official Member of the Edward Fan Club.

_You may not sing the _Itsy-Bitsy Vampire_ song to Jasper._ (derivative of the Itsy-Bitsy Spider song)

_You may not steal Jasper's cell phone and prank-call all of his contacts._

_You may not set him up on a blind date with Jessica Stanley._

_You may not volunteer Jasper to sell cookies for the lethal girl scouts again._

_You may not tell Jasper that the dead flowers in Esme's garden are coming back to life to attack him._

_You may not buy Jasper a new mattress and then pretend to cry when he won't sleep on it._

_You may not tell random strangers on the street that Jasper kidnaps little kids' teddy bears. _

_You may not tell Mike Newton's mom that Jasper is in love with her._

_You may not tell Jasper that Alice loves you more than him__._

_You may not post slash about yourself on the internet and then tell people Jasper wrote it._

_You may not form an angry mob against Jasper._

_You may not hack into Jasper's personal files on the computer and then blackmail him._

_You may not buy Jasper a collar for his dog and then when he won't use it tell people he ate his dog.  
_

"**I never ate my dog! I never even had a dog!"**

"**You don't have a dog, so you must have eaten it! Ha!"**

"**Stop it! Both of you."**

"**Yes Alice."**

"**Yes Alice."**

_You may not cut the seat out of all of Jasper's pants._

_You may not replace all of Jasper's clothes with pink dresses._

…_And then ask him if he feels pretty._

_You may not draw skulls on Jasper's forehead after you knock him unconscious._

**(AN/ can you knock a vampire unconscious?)**

_You may not break Esme's favorite lamp and blame it on Jasper._

_You may not fill Rosalie's hairdryers with baby powder and then blame it on Jasper__._

_You may not set a snare trap for Jasper._

_You may not tell people that Jasper was bitten by a radioactive spider._

_You may not hack into Jasper's email account and send people hate-mail._

_You may not try to convince Esme that Jasper moved to Canada_

_…And then buy him a Canadian Flag._

_You may not bedazzle Jasper's favorite hat and then pretend to cry when he won't wear it anymore. _

_You may not dress Jasper up like Batman and force him to dance at the mall to the song _Barbie Girl_._

_You may not paint Jasper's rifle with "peanut butter paste"…_

_And then blame it on the evil penguins._

_You may not offer Jasper a bottle marked "Grizzly Delite"_

_…And then cry and throw it at him when he asks why Delight is spelled wrong._

_You may not finish all sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy" when you talk to Jasper._

_You may not say "Do you want fries with that?" every time Jasper asks you to do something._

_You may not draw faces on potatoes with sharpies and then tell Jasper that they will eat him._

_You may not attack Jasper with sporks. _

"**My spork thinks he's batman!"**

**"Will someone please take that spork away from Emmett?"**

**"Ahhhhhhh!" **

_You may not sing the toast song over and over and over. _**(refer to ****Randomizm**** – toast)**

_You may not give out Jasper's cell phone number to random girls you see at the mall._

_You may not pay Mike Newton's mom to force-feed Jasper cookies__._

_You may not buy Jasper a leopard named George on EBay._

_You may not club Jasper with a banana and then cry when Jasper won't eat it._

_You may not change Jasper's computer's desktop to a picture of a pink cat labeled _**'Alice'**.

_You may not send Jasper flair on Facebook that refers to how wonderful 'Team Jacob' is._

_You may not stick post-its that say "I'm a pansy" to the back of Jasper's shirt._

_You may not say "Hail Queen Jasper of the Fluffy Bunnies" when you pass him in the hall. _

_You may not give him Hannah Montana concert tickets and cry when he won't go to the show._

_You may not buy plush fuzzy bunnies and threaten him with them._

_You may not tie down Jasper and then force his finger into an electric pencil sharpener._

_You may not force Jasper to watch Barney and then sing the "I Love You" song to him._

_You may not sing the "Pretty Song" from West Side Story when you are around him._

_You may not randomly hug Jasper and tell him that he'll be missed after the plush fuzzy bunnies devour him alive._

_You may not kick, bite, or hit yourself and then blame it on Jasper._

_You may not erase all of Jasper's files on his computer_

_… And then run around screaming "the plush fuzzy bunnies are in association with the evil penguins"_

_You may not force Jasper to dance to the Pussycat Doll's music._

_You may not dismember Jasper's Wii._

_You may not force-feed Esme's crochet project to Jasper._

_You may not tell Jasper that the blender is out to get him. _

_You may not tell Jasper that the carnivorous mice are plotting revenge._

_You may not glue Jasper to the wall._

_You may not blackmail Jasper with videos of him chewing on aluminum foil._

_You may not call Mike Newton on the phone and tell him that Jasper started Global Warming__._

_You may not__ tell everyone in school that Bella and Jasper eloped to Las Vegas. _

_You may not tell Jasper that the civil war generals are rising from the dead to come after him. Then bring back  
pictures of their graves._

_You may not force Jasper to feel your lust for Rosalie every time he is in the room._

_You may not make a batman costume and then try to make Jasper look like the Joker (from any of the batman movies or TV shows or comics) or any other comic/movie/television series character. _

_You may not lick Jasper._

_You may not wrap duck tape all around Jasper and then take pictures and send to every vampire he has ever known._

_You may not buy Jasper ANY kind of pet (puppies, cats, werewolves,...well he can eat the cats...)_

"**Rosalie! Just because you had one cat pee on you hairdryer doesn't mean you can feed Jasper eat cats!"**

"**Why shouldn't I Bella? It ruined one of my precious hairdryers!"**

"**You have three thousand in a storage house somewhere in Australia. And twenty of them here."**

"**Shut up Edward!!"**

_You may not yell "I'm gonna beat you with a spoon because my Spork is playing BATMAN!!" when ever Jasper asks you not to touch his laptop._

_You may not steal Jasper's food and then pretend to kidnap Bella so you can make a show of feeding the helpless human to the depressed and wretched vampire. _

"**Will you get over that Edward!?"**

"**No I won't! He nearly killed her and it was all your fault Emmett."**

"**Wimp!"**

"**Shut up Emmett."**

"**Well that is one hundred things Emmett isn't allowed to do to Jasper. Hope it helps keep Jazz sane a while longer"**

"**It should do…for now…sanity's overrated anyway."**

"**Emmett, if wanted your opinion we would beat it out of you."**

"**Lucky for you, those steps of violence won't be necessary…in accordance with the prophecy." **

"**OW! That HURT! You know you really ought to go to therapy for your anger issues Edward."**

"**I know, but slapping the snot out of you is so much more fun."**

* * *

So, did you like it? It took me forever to think of 100 things that Emmett could not do to make Jasper's life miserable. My friend Meg and my sister helped a lot. Also I got this really weird email, so I used some of it for inspiration. Thanx so much to every one who will review…which should be everyone!

**(hint hint….you should review if you are reading this).**

**;D**


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